How to Support Your Loved One After Pregnancy Loss (and Care for Yourself, Too)

Pregnancy loss fucking sucks. It sucks when it happens to you and it also sucks when it happens to the people you love. Please don’t let the title mislead you, there is no blueprint for how you should respond when you experience a pregnancy loss, just as there is no blueprint for how exactly you should respond when a loved one experiences pregnancy loss. However, there are ways to begin exploring how you can support yourself and your loved ones when coping with a miscarriage. 

My husband noted that the two times he has seen me the most excited in our entire relationship is when I found out I was pregnant the first time and when my sister told me she was pregnant. I knew this was true because I felt an immeasurable amount of excitement and happiness when my sister and her husband called me on speakerphone and shared the news that they were pregnant. After years of them “trying, but not trying,” I had assumed they would likely not have kids and my daughter would remain the center of attention among nine adults. 

But, when my sister told me they were pregnant, I squealed with joy and surprised even myself by how effusively happy I was. The thing was, I wasn’t just about this pregnancy that I had learned about 2.5 seconds ago. I was over the moon excited about dreams and fantasies I had been holding onto and building for years. 

Since childhood, my sister and I would remark on the things our children would do together, our assurance so absolute that we would be mothers in the way children are certain about their unpredictable futures. We discussed how they would both be girls (obviously) and much closer than we ever were with our own cousins because we are so much cooler (obviously again). 

As I got older, I marveled at the unique relationship that existed between my friends and their nephews and nieces. There's something that feels uniquely positioned in the relationship with a niece or nephew. You have close and immediate access to an abundance of cuteness but also have the option of handing off the abundance of cuteness when they start crying or tantruming at their parents' door. I fantasized and looked forward to having a niece or nephew that I could take on special outings, cultivate our own shared hobbies, and of course be a trusted confidant to when their parents were being annoying as usual.

As I became a mother myself, this fantasy expanded past ice cream parties and surprise gifts to also being the aunt who was in the trenches with my sister and brother-in-law - helping them when they were exhausted and even stepping in when that tantrum happened and they were at the end of their rope (been there).  

All of these fantasies stretched before me when I heard the news about my sister's pregnancy and these fantasies and the joy that they brought me stayed with me for the remainder of the week. I remember anytime I would feel bogged down by work or traffic, I would let my mind wander to the excitement of my sister's pregnancy and all of my accompanying fantasies in the same way I used to find the excitement of my own pregnancy a cozy landing place.

Thus, when my sister shared the news of her miscarriage, I was devastated first and foremost for her and the psychological and physical trauma that she would have to endure and I also grieved for my fantasies, my dreams and visions. I have a passion and mission for supporting those who've experienced pregnancy loss and that also includes those who have a loved one who experienced pregnancy loss.

I wondered if it was fair for me to even be thinking about my own grief and sadness at this moment. The focus should rightfully be on my sister and brother-in-law and yet not attending to how I felt would also impact how I was able to show up for them. I remember letting myself cry for a full 20 minutes on the drive to the hospital to see them and making sure that those tears were dried up by the time I met my brother-in-law in the hospital room lobby. 

Was my dry face for them or for myself? Would seeing my shared grief be a comfort or an overwhelming distraction. As someone who has made it their life mission to support those experiencing pregnancy loss, it felt like I should have some answers to those questions.

In the years following my own experience of pregnancy loss, I've been witness to many of my friends and now my sister’s experience of pregnancy loss and have walked away with a few lessons to support the loved ones impacted by pregnancy loss while also caring for yourself. 

I have some answers or rather let's call them responses, but first I want to start with the questions that may be moving through your mind the same way they moved through mine. You may wonder: 

Should I bring it up or is that just going to remind them when they weren’t thinking about it?

Believe me, they are thinking about it. And even if they are not consumed by their loss in that very moment, an invitation that they can choose to take or decline will feel easier than having to bring it to the conversation themselves. 

Is it fair to feel sad myself when this was not my loss?

When someone close to us experiences a loss, we may feel sad for all sorts of reasons. We may feel incredibly sad for them and the psychological and physical pain we know that we have to endure (hello empathy). We also may be sad for ourselves and feel grief for the wishes, dreams, and fantasies we had concerning this pregnancy. 

It doesn’t mean that this sadness needs to be shared with them, but it can be helpful to share it with another trusted person in your circle or even just to acknowledge it out loud. A common (and cheesy) refrain among therapists is “If you can name it, you can tame it.” By naming your own feelings of sadness and/or grief, you allow yourself to feel more equipped to support your loved ones as they move through their experience. 

Google/AI is telling me to drop food, send a text, and follow their lead - should I do all or none of this?

Recently, there have been a plethora of amazing articles and resources out there to support those experiencing pregnancy loss. This is wonderful progress for a topic that has been relegated to the shadows for so long. These articles sometimes provide specific ideas that you can do to support your loved one experiencing pregnancy loss (e.g., bring food or offer to run errands for them) as well as specific statements and questions you can bring to the conversation. 

My encouragement is to allow these resources to be a jumping off point rather than a script of how to proceed in your relationships. For example, I did bring my sister food and asked her some of the very same questions posited in these articles; however, I let our relationship and my knowledge of her guide how I did that. I knew that if I asked my sister to bring her food she would decline (classic Louisa for my Encanto fans). Thus, I ordered her favorite pie and left it in her fridge when I went to let her dogs out. 

Additionally, I knew I needed to tread differently with my brother-in-law, who wore his heart on his sleeve and who could both receive and craved the emotional check-ins, than with my sister, who would need a different route when it came to support. You are the expert on your relationship with your loved one - and let this lead you in how you support them. 

We’ve never talked about grief or loss like this before. I feel like I’m going to make it awkward. 

Short answer, you are. This may be the first time a loss or trauma has occurred within the context of your relationship with your loved one. Thus, it may be awkward and you may need to co-create new dialogue on how you support them. You may feel uncomfortable bringing up feelings in a relationship that rarely discusses them to this degree and the conversation may move to an awkward space because this is new and different from the usual conversation you have with this person.

There’s something wonderfully brave and loving about being willing to tolerate awkwardness for the sake of the relationship and laying the foundation for future conversations about loss, pain, love, and everything in between.