Stuck in “What If” Thinking? Try This 3-Step Tool

One of the most common phrases uttered in therapy is “what if” closely followed by at least five other variations of what if thoughts. 

What if I leave this job and don’t find something I like better? What if I can never find a job? What if they never text me back? What if they text me back and it’s not what I want to hear? What if I never have another miscarriage? What if I never get pregnant? What if I never feel healthy again? 

Each of these nebulous what if clouds can bring with them anxiety, helplessness, and hopelessness. Even in the moment, as I’m sitting in the therapy office with these thoughts floating around us, I can feel the suffocating, oppressive force of the “what ifs” not unlike the hopeless despair the dementors from Harry Potter provoke (iykyk as the kids say). 

Do tigers what if? Do birds wonder but what would happen if I never…? I can actually imagine a dog having what if thoughts. It’s probably why they get so sad and wait by the door until their humans get home as they wonder what if today is the day they don’t come back? Maybe even cats have a different sort of what if that makes them swat their human in the face because what if they never wake up and I need to get fed?

I’m not sure how animals experience their what if thoughts or the degree by which they are plagued by them, but I know with certainty, humans are inundated with what if thoughts every day. From the mundane, what if I miss this light to the life-altering what if’s that keep us up at night. 

The thing about what if thoughts is that they are sticky. They are like glue that never dries and so they can glob onto anything around you until they become a huge, indiscernible glob of stuff. 

But consider how your relationship with what if thoughts began. They didn’t actually begin at the red-light or even as you applied for your first job. They began in a much simpler form in childhood asking questions such as, what if our car could go underwater and we could swim next to a whale? Or what if I actually have superpowers, but they haven’t manifested themselves yet (frequent what if thought for myself). 

Consider the adorable “what if’s” you’ve heard from the children in your life. You may marvel at these children and their creative imaginations (what if clouds were actually just really heavy cotton candy) or immediately soften at the fear in their question about what if I have a nightmare before bed? These questions are often greeted with generosity and care. 

Somewhere along the way, these what ifs transitioned from adorable contemplations worthy of curiosity and compassion to dreaded thoughts with a menacing edge that feel like a threat. Is it because we no longer have a parent or caregiver to answer the what if’s with us and we are left with the echo chamber of our own minds? Or perhaps we never had that parent or caregiver to answer our what if’s when we were kids and again we are left with the isolation of these thoughts. 

Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory suggests that we are made up of multiple parts, each trying to help us in the best way it knows how. From this perspective, the “what if” part of you isn’t bad, it’s likely a protective part doing its best to keep you safe. Perhaps this part developed early in life, learning to scan the environment for anything that might pose a threat, whether real, anticipated, or imagined.

Rather than cursing this part, avoiding it, or trying to suppress it into oblivion, I suggest approaching it differently. 

Enter the “What if” tool. Let’s see what happens when we use the “What if” tool for the universal fear “What if they are mad at me?” 

The "What If" (Acknowledge)	The "What Now" (Pivot)	The "Even If" (Agency)
What if they didn’t text me back because I did something wrong and they are upset with me.	Right now, I don’t actually know why they haven’t responded. What I do know is that I’m sitting here on my favorite chair and I can bring my attention back to what’s in front of me.	Even if they are upset with me, I can handle an uncomfortable conversation, ask questions, and decide what I want to do next.

Acknowledge: There’s a cheesy phrase we use in therapy that goes, “You have to name it to tame it.” By giving something a name, we create psychological distance from it. I’m no longer the “what if black cloud” but instead my “what if” thought is really loud right now. 

Pivot: Allow yourself to ground to what is right there in front of you whether it is what you are actively working on (hello emotional boundaries) or even what is right in front of you (e.g., I have a bestie who cares about me). 

Agency: Remind yourself of your power and agency when challenges do arise. We don’t assume all things will be rosy and we need to remind ourselves of the options and strengths we do have “even if” hard things occur. 

This could also be a wonderful moment to check in with the what if part of you and thank it for looking out for you. Or if gratitude feels too forced, a simple, I see you, what if part, and what you are trying to do for me. 

This isn’t an easy recipe like add funfetti mix, eggs, and oil and you have a delicious, sprinkled cake. You may notice relief in one instance, frustration another time you try it, and you will certainly need continued and sustained practice to start interacting with your what if part differently. Research tells us it can take three to six months to build new neural pathways.

The “what if” part doesn’t need to disappear; it just needs to learn that it isn’t the only part of you capable of keeping you safe. And maybe along the way, it will get back to its roots and wonder what if my superpowers actually manifest in middle age?